I want to feel serene
And peaceful
Like a lazy flowing river
On a sunny day
The water sparkling
In the sunshine
At ease

But your distortions
And convolutions
Pollute the river
Disrupt the flow
With rocks boulders
And raging rapids
Churning with discord
That is entirely unnecessary
And utterly exhausting
In particular
After a lifetime
Of holding the space in between
The crashing waves

What does it mean
To let go
When beauty and ugliness
Are intertwined and inextractable
And when there is profound loss
And grief
Embedded in this Letting Go
And when I know
From decades of concerted effort
That there is no other option
Available in this dimension
That these are the terms parameters
Set forth
In the limitations
Constructed by your free will
As expressed through the confines
Of your mindbodyspirit
A constellation of variables
Far above my pay grade
But quite possibly also
Well beyond your grasp

I want at least
To express all this to you
So you know
The fierce love
Beneath my actions
Which you mistake as being
Apathy and abandonment
But for all the reasons above
I cannot even communicate these things
Because my words thoughts experiences
Will be twisted tainted
As they go through the filter enshrouding you
Thereby pulling me into the riptide
That is your dwelling place
And that perpetually threatens
To destroy me

©2021 by Loolwa Khazzoom. All rights reserved. No portion of this article may be copied without author’s permission.