MDear Journal + patrons, 

A lot of my poems – or perhaps most of my poems – have been about navigating the choppy waters of family relationships, which have been complicated by a history of domestic violence, mental illness, national exile, and other forms of inter-generational trauma.

I have been intentionally vague about the source of my poems, but feel called today to share with you that this poem is about my dad  – who, among other things, has been severely and chronically depressed my entire life, has outright refused treatment, and has ended many calls over the years with heart-wrenching sobs, as if he’s about to drop dead on the spot.

Historically, that dynamic, among others, has kept me churning in a state of chronic mental anguish, if only on the back burner of my life. This poem is not only about my dad, but also about my recent transformations and breakthroughs in how to approach trauma and discord in general, and my relationship with my dad in particular.

I offer this poem from my heart to yours. 

xo
Loolwa

The Last Goodbye

It’s the last goodbye

Every time

Protracted grief

Stretched out

Over years

Decades

Yet always

Unresponsive

Or hostile

To solution resolution

Creating the impossible

Dilemma

Chronic confusion

Spinning in place

Burning off the rubber

Yet going getting nowhere

Somehow I always blame myself

Hold the burden

Of this despair

At Gd’s pay grade

Only because

He seems to be

Asleep on the job

And someone needs

To step in

But it’s always

At the cost of

My self-sacrifice

So I’m seeking out

New ways

To interface with it all


© 2022 by Loolwa Khazzoom. All rights reserved. No portion of this article may be copied without author’s permission.