More than This: Turning Bullying into Healing through Music

On and off over the past few years – in particular, over the past year – I have been bullied about a matter that directly impacted me, and that had serious consequences for my health, on multiple levels. What distressed me the most was the sheer callousness and insanity of the gaslighting and scapegoating that were involved in this matter – putting me through unnecessary suffering and danger, and additionally creating unnecessary drama for everyone involved.

As I am healing naturally from cancer, my primary concern is cultivating a life filled with peace, joy, and harmony. So the fight-flight question of how to respond was complex, with both options presenting their own stressors.

The stress caused by this situation was so through-the-roof, in fact, that my healing tools (music, dance, journaling…) flew out the window, as a result of the sheer overload to my system, and I spun out – among other matters, nosediving into a pit of chronic insomnia, that in turn led to sleep deprivation, that in turn exacerbated my stress, that in turn amplified my anxiety about the consequences of that stress, in a crash-and-burn spiral downward.

I was finally able to break the spell of this loop by actively and mindfully tapping into my breath and body – noticing where the breath flowed easily, and where it felt stuck, where my body felt open and where it felt shut down. As I consciously deepened, slowed down, and amplified my breath, I set the intention for my whole Body-Mind-spirit Wellness, and devoted myself to that Wellness, wherever it took me. I stopped trying to figure out and fix things, and simply proffered to the Universe an open-ended question of how I could get myself healthy again.

That practice led me to intensive journaling, for as long as two and a half hours a day, which in turn helped me release all the hurt, frustration, despair, and anger – out of my body and onto the page – and additionally allowed me to organize my thoughts, understand all the puzzle pieces, get a handle on things, and start mapping my way out of the hole I had fallen into. The journaling additionally led to me writing a poem about the situation, which I then turned into a song, which made me laugh every time I sang it, which brought me back to myself, which broke the spell, which led to me mustering the courage to take the decisive action, which further broke the spell and made me feel like myself again, for the first time in months, following which I reintegrated a regular practice of journaling, dancing, singing, drumming, meditating, praying, juicing, and getting out into nature, following which I wrote this song.

The world, it seems, will always be filled with insanity. Sometimes it may seem far away, and other times it may impact us directly. Over the years, I have shifted from an activist mindset, with a focus on what’s out there – ie, fixing and fighting -, to a meditative mindset, with a focus on what’s in here – ie, healing and rejuvenating. These two approaches are not mutually exclusive, mind you, just a different orientation: the first is outside-in, whereas the second is inside-out. From where I stand today – which I readily acknowledge is built on decades of been-there, done-that activism work – I find that it is essential to move from the inside-out space, where I nourish myself, pose a question to the Universe, ask for Divine guidance and support, and move forward from there, listening to the Spirit whispers. I still impact the world, just in a different, quieter, more peaceful way, touching one heart and soul at a time, by simply sharing my own heart and soul.

And that’s what this song is about. Lyrics are in this post.

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